Personal Entry

Big Red is gone.
Sasha, our family dog, died today. Today was a hard day for us as we had to take our beloved dog to the vet and find out she has stomach cancer and that she had to be put to sleep. She wasn't walking and hadn't eaten in four days and our normally fat dog had withered down to a mere 80 lbs. Yes that is withered down, she's normally about 110 lbs. We used to joke that we didn't walk Sasha, she walked us!

My husband went to my mother house to load her in the car and my daughter and I met my sister at the vet and said our goodbyes.The doctor told us we would have to go see her in the back because she was immobile unresponsive and cold. He told us there was nothing left to do. So we walked back there and our unresponsive dog, sat up and walked out to greet us. That broke my heart because I knew it took everything in her to get up. I thought maybe she knew what we were going to do. But as I look back at the pictures I took and she's staring at the wall I knew she was scared because she looks at the wall when she's scared.

They asked to us fill out paperwork awhile they prepared the room and then they came to the part where they ask about the ashes. My mother declined, but my daughter wanted them. How could I say no? I don't know what we will do with them or where we will put them but they are hers. They gave us a few minutes with Sasha and then it was time to call in the doctor to give her the shot.

I don't know why I was so intent on being quiet and I held my breath as they gave her the shot, and didn't exhale until I heard her take her final breath. I think I was quiet because I wanted to actually hear her last breath to know ok, this is really it. I put my hand on her heart and wanted to feel her heart wind down. I don't know why, I even told my sister and daughter to be quiet because I was set on her going out peacefully. No sniffles or talking. Just silence. When we were talking to her she was trying to get up and look at us and in her last moments after we said goodbye, I just wanted to relieve her of her duty to us. She was the family greeter and in my heart I felt like if she heard our voices, she would try and fight it.

I know this is a dog, I know, but she was our dog. As she lay there afterwards, it was just numbing. We were all crying and when it was over and we had to walk out, I just couldn't look back.

I don't know where she went. Probably where dogs go, I wish I could say something poetic about chasing cars, and fetching toys-something. The truth of the matter is, our dog was a big bundle of energy and love and drool. She was a fatty that was always hungry, she always shed red hair EVERYWHERE! If you left something on the kitchen table, she would eat it. If it fell on the floor, its was hers. She was yelled at daily for drooling on us on important days, and for shaking her head sending spit across the room. She was the dog in TURNER and HOOCH, big, drooling, beautiful, strong and loyal. If you got near the garage and if you were a solicitor she barked like she was 1000 lbs of mean. It was very common for dogwalkers to cross the street when she was on the block because she was scary looking at 110lbs. But they never knew she was sweet and was scared of the firecrackers and load noises and the only thing she was capable of was licking you to death. We miss her.